a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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