I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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