ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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