im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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