You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
