All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Randomize
