i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All I want is dick and wine.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
