I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
