I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
