New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
