You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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