Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
