Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
