I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
