Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
