You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
