i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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