I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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