Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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