Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
