Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have already put on my inside pants.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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