Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
