I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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