Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
