We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
