I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize