Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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