Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
