yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
