Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
