So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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