just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
