ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
