Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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