Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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