he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
