My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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