Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Couch. On fire.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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