there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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