I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
