Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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