There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
