What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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