last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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