So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
