Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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