She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
