i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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