Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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