Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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