youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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