I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
