Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
