I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
