im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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