my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
