i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
